No Hope. No Fear.

I'm remembering that one of my first blogs was about my Austrian Army experience 7 months ago and we are again reflecting on one of the most impacting experiences of my life.  I returned from the army this term with many reflections.  Most have to do with the movies in my head.

I truly wonder what it must be like to live through one day without a constant movie reel telling me what reality should be, what it could be - instead of just allowing it to just be what it is.  In this Peace Studies program they often use the idea of fearing tigers.  We have to notice the difference between fearing the tiger on paper versus fear in the physically present tiger.  

It's the fear of this tiger on paper that will sometimes guide the events unnecessarily.  

This term I had memories and expectations and somehow these combined into a weird mix of hopes and fears.  I hoped for similar, challenging and fun experiences while I feared not being able to complete the tasks well.  I knew I could physically do all that was expected of me, but I feared that I would finish poorly.  I was the squad leader or commander of my team and because of these fears, I often made decisions for my team that would allow an outcome by which I couldn't be left responsible.  I wanted neither the blame of failure nor the praise of success - I just wanted to get by.  

It was a great experience, but I wish I had recognized this fear earlier so that I could have claimed responsibility for the lessons learned instead of preventing the possibility of lessons to be learned.